How did a girl got married in the Middle Ages

Marriage was probably the worst thing that could happen to women in the past till at least two centuries ago. During the late Middle Ages and Renaissance, or even in the modern centuries, marriage was often a reason for crying and grief. Until early in the 20th century in some countries, there was a great sobbing coming from the bride on the day of her wedding.

Why was marriage so bad?
Because:

• ninety percent of the time, there was no love involved (the percent represents my personal estimate);
• because the husband basically owned the wife, and he had the right to apply coercions if he felt it was right; in other words, he could beat up his wife at will;
• because the wife couldn't get a divorce;
• because a woman had no right whatsoever unless she was rich and there was money involved.

Girl inspecting a Hope Chest. 1929, author Poul Friis Nybo.
U.S. public domain
from Wiki Commons

So, how did the couples get married?
First, marriages were based on interests and wealth. If a woman owned some land, cattle, or goods to put her above the peasant class, she could expect a husband with a similar status or wealth. But if she were Cinderella with a golden heart and a super-model overall appearance but was too poor, her parents may give her to an old, rich, and mean bachelor for a few bucks. That’s bad, to begin with!

Second, somebody else was choosing her husband, usually her parents, not because they didn’t love their daughter but because they followed the local traditions, like everybody. They would choose whatever was best for her and for them from among the suitors. Sometimes, midwives paired a bride with a groom and negotiated a contract. Those middle persons (or shall I call them marriage agents?) would come to the bride’s house to propose a groom, and then they would say what was expected of the bride to bring into the marriage. She’ll bring what is called a dowry, often composed of household items and personal pieces of clothing. Wealthy families would even give land, money, cattle, and other goods, including real estate, especially if they had little or no pretenders.


Third, once married, the woman stayed married. No way around it. If she couldn’t take it anymore, the only option was to run away, hoping that the mean husband wouldn’t find her and bring you back, in which case she not only endured increased beating from her significant other but public opprobrium as well. When a girl married, she had to move to her husband’s house. Usually, he was still living with his parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and other relatives. There was a whole new world, waiting for the new wife to start cooking, cleaning, working the farm, taking care of the kids, and performing other tasks that were assigned by her mother-in-law.

Maybe the worst thing was that the boy she liked was still in the village and married to someone else he didn’t care about.

So, was there a wedding?
When their kids got married, most wealthy families put up a public announcement and a small party not to celebrate the event but to show off their social status. Also, much thought was put into the gifts given to the newlyweds by their godparents or local lord protector. However, marriage into a poor family often went quiet, the event being reported only to the church, which kept a record, and to close relatives. In some cases, not even the church knew. It wasn’t until the Reformation that the church started to ask for a formal ceremony in front of a minister.

Then, after the wedding, what?
Simple! The woman took her dowry chest and moved away from home. From now on, she was on her own. If she made it through the marriage, as most couples did, then she did the same for her children as her parents had done for her. And the cycle started over again—and it didn’t stop until the 20th century!